Step Parenting: Driving a Wedge Between Your Family?

Since it is very common to see stories about wicked stepmothers, it is often assumed that all stepmothers are evil. In today's blended families, it is really a challenge to be a step parent, because you can easily be tagged as the scheming enemy, no matter how good your intentions are.

Once the new parent appears in the picture, the kids start to set out their territory. The step parent is considered as the enemy, and the battle begins. As the children fight back to overcome the new parent, their real parent is often torn emotionally between them and the new spouse.

Psychotherapists call this situation as "triangulation". In this kind of relationship, the triangle's three sides are you, your new spouse and your children. Children tend to come in between their parents. They have this instinct from their toddler years which is to divide and conquer. After the divorce and the new partner comes in, the game gets more extreme for the kids.

We all know that blood is thicker than water which gives children a stronger position when they are trying to claim their territory, and defeat the enemy (the step parent). When given a choice between the child and the new parent, a man or a woman would often give priority to the child, which may clearly lead to two conflicts - parental and spousal.

In traditional parenting and step parenting, the couples must agree on discipline issues and show the children that they are united in their decisions. Confrontations and arguments are part of every relationship, but children, especially, very young ones do not have to witness couples fighting, because this may make the children think that the relationship between their real parent and the new parent is too weak and they can easily put a wedge between the two.

The spouses should decide on who is going to discipline the children. There must be a basic rule that can be applied by the step parent or parent. Then the kids will know that there is no need to choose whom they will follow. This will also give the step parent an authority knowing that the real parent will back her/him up.

Step parents should welcome their role as a new parent to their step children. With no intention of filling in the shoes of the children's real mom or dad, a new parent can bring value to the relationship by looking themselves as participants in the child rearing process, as well. It is also necessary to nurture a bond with step children that will make them consider step parents as welcome additions to their family. This is the only way harmony can be achieved between step parents and step children, that will definitely enhance their lives together.