Step Parenting: Driving a Wedge Between Your Family?

Since it is very common to see stories about wicked stepmothers, it is often assumed that all stepmothers are evil. In today's blended families, it is really a challenge to be a step parent, because you can easily be tagged as the scheming enemy, no matter how good your intentions are.

Once the new parent appears in the picture, the kids start to set out their territory. The step parent is considered as the enemy, and the battle begins. As the children fight back to overcome the new parent, their real parent is often torn emotionally between them and the new spouse.

Psychotherapists call this situation as "triangulation". In this kind of relationship, the triangle's three sides are you, your new spouse and your children. Children tend to come in between their parents. They have this instinct from their toddler years which is to divide and conquer. After the divorce and the new partner comes in, the game gets more extreme for the kids.

We all know that blood is thicker than water which gives children a stronger position when they are trying to claim their territory, and defeat the enemy (the step parent). When given a choice between the child and the new parent, a man or a woman would often give priority to the child, which may clearly lead to two conflicts - parental and spousal.

In traditional parenting and step parenting, the couples must agree on discipline issues and show the children that they are united in their decisions. Confrontations and arguments are part of every relationship, but children, especially, very young ones do not have to witness couples fighting, because this may make the children think that the relationship between their real parent and the new parent is too weak and they can easily put a wedge between the two.

The spouses should decide on who is going to discipline the children. There must be a basic rule that can be applied by the step parent or parent. Then the kids will know that there is no need to choose whom they will follow. This will also give the step parent an authority knowing that the real parent will back her/him up.

Step parents should welcome their role as a new parent to their step children. With no intention of filling in the shoes of the children's real mom or dad, a new parent can bring value to the relationship by looking themselves as participants in the child rearing process, as well. It is also necessary to nurture a bond with step children that will make them consider step parents as welcome additions to their family. This is the only way harmony can be achieved between step parents and step children, that will definitely enhance their lives together.

Step-Parenting: Some of the Challenges Faced As a Family

Step parents are faced with challenges of all sorts when they first decide to live together as a family. If however, they decide to take time to trace the cause of the problems, they would find that the odd clashes and misunderstanding can be managed effectively.

Here are some of the challenges:

    staying together as a family unit
    spending time together as a couple
    financial pressures
    discipline of the children

Staying together as a family unit

It is a known fact that it is impossible to have the two families live together all the time, as consideration has to be given to the ex- partner who also has access. It is equally frustrating to see that the minute the new step parent steps in, the children may decide to leave.

Some children leave to go and stay with the other parent who may not be in a relationship at the moment.

There have been instances where both parents have moved on with their lives and have gone on to re-marry. The children at the centre of both lives sometimes feel left out.

Solution: Hard as it sometimes may be - you may have to consistently reassure your children that you still want them in your life. Sometimes the children may have to be told many times and in different ways that they are still loved in spite of having someone new in the parent's life.

The reality of life is that sometimes the step children may never get on no matter how hard you as the step parent try.

It is your responsibility, however as a step parent to ensure that you try to get them involved in activities of interest and get to do it together.

You would also have to try to avoid any form of favouritism towards your own child or towards your step child to score brownie points.

Spending Time together as a couple

If the house is filled with children from either side, it will take a lot of effort on the part of the step parents to keep their relationship going.

This is because apart from being step parents, they may also be working. So they need to be parents to their children and also earn a living to survive and keep the family going.

Solution: In the midst of all the busyness going on in the house and at work, the couple need to find time for themselves. They could cultivate a time of the week or month where they do things together as a couple.

Financial issues

If the one or both step parents have financial problems, it could affect the relationship in one way or the other. The burden of sorting out the financial mess may not necessarily fall on the other partner, but they will certainly feel obliged to help in any way possible.

Solution: Table your finances out and be transparent about it to each other - if you need to seek professional help together then do it.

Discipline of the children

This subject is very common among step parents and is also a sensitive one. Sometimes, step parents might find that the children of either spouse needs to be disciplined and they might feel that it is not in their place to say anything or even if they do, the step child may not give them any regard.

Solution: The discipline of the children is important and the responsibility should be handled with care. What would be the most ideal thing to do is to allow the biological parent discipline their own child. If this responsibility is left to the step parent, then it could potentially cause a lot of misunderstanding in the family. The child may feel they are being punished unnecessarily and may never get to bond with the other parent.